Facing surrender.

Sometimes I picture you.

I imagine what you are doing at any moment in time. I imagine your smile, your laugh. It’s as if I”m there with you, and I can watch firsthand as the emotion plays out across your beautiful face. When my heart is hurting, it helps me miss you less.

I imagine you in the future too..your future self. I imagine the you that will wait at the end of the aisle for some lucky girl in white. I imagine the you that will hold your first-born child, tears of wonder welling in your eyes. I imagine the you whose golden hair has gone silver and whose face is crinkled with lines that tell of all you have accomplished and endured in your lifetime. When my heart is daydreaming, it makes me long for you more.

I have these snapshots of you darling, they play across my heart like a slideshow. 

and no matter what happens, they will always be simultaneously my favorite memory and my favorite wish.

the best things in life just happen.

Like thunderstorms that hit the horizon without a speck of warning. or glances that turn into smiles…and smiles that turn into kisses. or the dumb mistakes that turn your stomach over with laughter. or shooting stars. unexpected hugs or spontaneous pillow fights. crossing paths with someone that will change your life. or stumbling upon something incredible while searching for something else entirely. or falling in love.

There is no need for any extra effort. no false pretenses. no expectations to meet.

The best things in life come to us naturally…like breathing. inhale, exhale. no thought- just life at its most vibrant…at its most inspirational. 

so don’t go looking for love. for grace. for happiness.

It’s all already out there, looking for you.

I like you.

I can’t help it.

I like the way you smell.

I like the way you smile.

I like the way your voice rises on a tide of air when you find something I say humerous or cute.

I like the way my name sounds when your lips form around it.

I like your eyes.

You’re quite enthralling, you know.

I like the way your larger hands wrap around my smaller ones when we pray.

I like praying with you.

I like the way you look at me sometimes, when you can’t help it, when you can’t hide your feelings; and your open, honest face looks at me with such affection. 

I just have to face it…

I like you a lot.

a little more, every day in fact…

and since your likableness is somewhat consuming me, I thought I’d post about it on my blog, because, what else is a writer with these feelings to do?(;

this is what I did instead of studying for finals. I wrote poetry(:

From my little windowed cell i see 

the motion of a thousand lives

buzzing bees and sighing trees 

digested by my hungry eyes

from my little windowed cell i hear

the hearbeat of  a turning world

the hum of a motor, the bellow of the breeze

i strain my ear to hear the whisper

“Please”.

from my little windowed cell, I’m beckoned

by the rays of sun sifting through the glass pane

“please come out, but for a second” 

I’m transfixed by the call…

yet I must turn away.

back to the book

sitting like a burden

at the forefront of my burnt-out mind

“Study study study” 

it chants relentlessly

for you are running out of

time.

life is an airport.

There’s something about the airport. and the memories it holds.

Because when you’re walking down that terminal, do you ever stop to think about where exactly it is that you’re placing your feet? Or how you’re trudging so unknowingly through the threads of millions of other lives?

you’re walking past the phantoms of goodbyes that were never really said and through the shadows of doors that were left open one centimeter too many.

You tend to focus only on yourself, only on your trip as you forge your way through that milling sea of people…and you forget that everyone is going somewhere.

I believe that there is much to be observed of the airport…certainly, it deserves more credit and recognition than we give it.

Afterall, everything about the airport just reeks of humanity. Think about it. the airport is a place of arrivals and departures, all happening simultaneously. some people are left standing broken-hearted, while others rush past them into someone else’s embrace. In an airport, there are people crying, napping, laughing, eating, stealing, getting robbed, judging, being scrutinized, buying, selling, kissing, pushing away, walking, sitting, laying…all of these heartbeats thump-thumping in one place, all of these breaths inhaling the same air…in an airport, it’s like everyone is together. and no one is. 

Hm. I think I just realized that the airport is the perfect metaphor for life.

thousands of people, all together, thinking only about themselves. all of them are going somewhere. but there’s no doubt that in the depths of their hearts, they all only want one thing.

to get to a place they can call home.

emotional lightwieght.

It’s been months since I’ve come here…its incrediable how much can change in just a month…and even more so how much can change in but a moment.

I am conflicted…facing doubts, battles, and decisions that I never imagined would be mine to face. There’s something beckoning me down every road…so where am I supposed to go from here?

I think about you a lot. and your smile. and those eyes….I swear, you can see inside my soul.

 but I think about the memories I have….they’re deeply embedded in my heart…not something you can swat aside, not something you can melt…not even with a gaze as smoldering as yours.

I don’t want to do the right things for the wrong reasons…or make mistakes because I want the ends they may obtain….

I’m discovering who I am.

& you’re helping me.

You make me brave.

But I’m still scared.

Sometimes I wonder where you are. Not where you are located, though, of that I’m fully aware. Sometimes, I wonder where your heart is. where your dreams lie. where your desires reside.

 I knew once. We stood together on a perfect afternoon, sunlight dancing on your face, arms rounded tightly, lovingly, around the small of my back. I saw where your heart, where your dreams, where your desires lived. In the reflection of your eyes, I saw that they lived in the future. our future.

But you’re not here anymore, to hold my hand and tell me its okay. You’re not here to reassure me that the path which we’re on is the right one, the sure one. I don’t know where you’re at. I can guess, and I can hope, but I cannot know, no more than you can know that where I’m at, it gets pretty lonely. When I’m in that place, I feel like a small child, hiding in the shadows as her edges blur, whispering only to herself “I’m still here.”

I am still here. You know that…right?

Emotions

can be a lot of things. they can be beautiful. or breathtaking. painful. or ugly.

They like to slide into the back doors of our hearts and wedge themselves slyly between us and reality. they like to dictate. they like to bully. but more than anything, they like to win.

I’ve only found one thing in this world (and in myself) that is stronger than my emotions.

that’s virtue. you know, Love. Hope. Faith. Courage.

sometimes, people mistake these things for emotions. but they are far from it. Emotions teeter on the edge. They wash in and out like the tide. They have the power to break us, if we so sucumb. It is virtue which reaches down a gentle hand to pull us out of emotion, to remind us that there’s more to life than riding the roller coaster. There’s something more than this. Virtue trascends emotion.

Emotion is the unruly humanity within us. Virtue within us, though- that is a reflection of the Divine.

We have a writer who could use your help!

a-writers-littlethings:

thelittleghostwithin is looking for a beta reader, someone to help her edit.

Anyone up for it?

 I’d be up for it! :D